


Fallout

by MissMarieInWonderland



Series: Hospital Bracelets [3]
Category: Glee
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Gen, Have you had your daily recommended dose of angst?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-25
Updated: 2013-06-25
Packaged: 2017-12-16 03:14:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/857111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMarieInWonderland/pseuds/MissMarieInWonderland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Now he had turned his attention to Hunter, who was telling his own plans of going back to Colorado for the weak- all while continuing to eat the food on his plate without much second thought, much to Sebastian’s pleasure. He’d barely felt the need to hound Hunter to eat more for the last couple of weeks, and Sebastian felt an uncharacteristic surge of pride at that.</p><p>Not that Hunter needed to know that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fallout

If there was one time of day every boy at Dalton stopped playing the part of the privileged private school kids, it was breakfast. Maybe they were too tired to act snob-like and entitled, maybe they just hadn’t been forced through the rigorous course work that came with being a student and ended in them being in a bad mood. Either way, it was the only meal where they all felt free to speak amongst each other about almost every aspect of their day-to-day life. Today’s topic of choice? Spring Break plans.

Some planned on heading out of state some planned on spending the week at home reconnecting with old friends back home. Whatever it was, they all seemed eager to listen to one another. Or maybe they were just pumping each other up for the much needed break. Whatever it was, it definitely amused Sebastian to hear everyone prattle on. He’d already divulged that he planned on spending break at his aunt’s house in France, which earned him more than a few jealous groans (which only made him feel even more entitled than he already did.) Now he had turned his attention to Hunter, who was telling his own plans of going back to Colorado for the weak- all while continuing to eat the food on his plate without much second thought, much to Sebastian’s pleasure. He’d barely felt the need to hound Hunter to eat more for the last couple of weeks, and Sebastian felt add-on uncharacteristic surge of pride at that.

Not that Hunter needed to know that.

Seated directly to Sebastian’s left, his friend seemed content to keep on discussing his own plans. “I’m actually looking forward to it, for once in my life. I haven’t gone this long without seeing my parents in ages. I’m just hoping they remember what I look like.” Hunter joked with a grin.

From across the table, he heard Nick laugh. “I’m sure you’ve got nothing to worry about. With all the weight you’ve been gaining lately, you’re actually starting to look like your old self.”

As soon as the words left Nick’s mouth, Sebastian immediately turned to Hunter. Sebastian could physically see the color drain from Hunter’s face at the comment. Instinctively, he reached over to grab Hunter’s arm, but the other boy easily weasled out of his grasp. If he had been listening a bit more, he would have noticed the way Hunter’s breath hitched. “Hunter?” Around them, there were friendly laughs at Nick’s comment, and one voice piping up in agreement before they too noticed Hunter’s sudden change in demeanor. Then, the air about them changed from amused to concerned.

Across from them, Nick had an obvious look of regret on his face as he watched his friend. “No, I didn’t mean it like a bad thing. Just… You were losing weight there for a while, and some of us were starting to worry there was something wrong with you.” From the seat next to him, Jeff mumbled ‘yeah’ under his breath. “I just meant you’ve been looking healthier now that you’ve gained weight. That’s all. I’m sorry if that came out wrong.”

His tone was sincere, and it was clear that he meant everything he had just said. But it didn’t look like Hunter seemed to care. Scratch that, it looked like he hadn’t so much as heard Nick’s explanation. And honestly, Sebastian was starting to worry. He once again reached out four Hunter, and this time, it got his attention.

It was almost eerie how quickly Hunter’s expression change. He put on an (obviously forced) smile and nodded at Nick. “Yeah. No worries, it’s fine. I just haven’t been feeling too hot lately, so I think I’ll skip for today.” Still smiling, he pushed himself away from the table and stood up, making a point not to look down at his plate. “I should be at rehearsal, I just want to sleep off this migraine. So, if you’ll excuse me.” Without waiting for a response, and making a clear point not to look at Sebastian, he turned on his heel and left the dining hall.

Sebastian knew he should follow after Hunter, but he also knew that would only succeed in getting his head bit off. Which is exactly what would have happened if he ran after him. Instead, he sighed heavily before glancing back at Nick, who still looked like he wanted to take back everything he’d just said.

“Seriously, I didn’t mean it like that. You know what I’m talking about though, right? He was losing weight like crazy a few months back, it can’t have been healthy.” Nick furiously tried to explain himself. And Sebastian had to pause to think for a second. Had it really been obvious to everyone but him that something had been up with Hunter? He hadn’t noticed Hunter losing weight. Not until Hunter actually fessed up to him.

God, he should have fucking noticed. He shrugged and could feel the beginnings of a migraine hit him. “Yeah, I get what you meant. And you’re right, it’s good he’s looking better, but I don’t think he sees it that way.” Sebastian half-mumbled his words, speaking more to himself than to Nick. The others around him looked at him curiously, not quite understanding what he meant. Sebastian snapped back to his senses, placing his hands on the table with a loud groan. “You know what? Forget about it.. Tell Ms. Belmont I’m going to be a bit late, I forgot something in my dorm.” He didn’t bother waiting for Nick’s reply, instead standing up from his seat and heading in the direction Hunter had been.

Hunter had made sure to leave as fast as he could, so he was already MIA by the time Sebastian was in the hallway. Great, this would be fun. Texting Hunter would be pointless, it’d just be a waste of time to wait for a reply he knew wasn’t coming. He also knew Hunter would not want to risk being around people right now, so the logical assumption would be for him to go back to their room. He headed in the direction of the dorms, making it a point to check the public bathrooms on the way (Hunter had sworn that he hadn’t ever resorted to purging, but Sebastian still wanted to double check.) Once he’d gotten that out of his mind, he set himself on a direct course back to the room.

He couldn’t help but feel relieved when he saw Hunter lying on his bed, legs brought up and that white puffball curled into his side. He barely registered Sebastian entering the room, merely nodding in acknowledgment before continuing to pet Mr. Puss.

Sebastian sighed down at him, discarding his bookbag by the door and moving to sit on Hunter’s bed. He glanced over, noting the exhaustion that hadn’t been on his friend’s face a few minutes ago. And it hurt Sebastian to have such a clear picture of just what was going through his friend’s head right about now.

Hunter pulled his legs up closer to his body to offer Sebastian more room, but still did not speak until Sebastian took matters into his own hands. “You should go finish eating.”

“I did eat. Not hungry anymore.”

Fantastic. This was exactly how Sebastian wanted to spend his morning. He crossed his legs and shrugged. “Alright, I probably could have phrased that better. Go finish eating or I’m dragging your dumb ass down there myself.”

Hunter made no sign of moving. In fact, he made no sign that he’d even heard Sebastian. He just continued to pet Mr. Puss,

Sebastian inched himself upwards on the bed so that he was sitting directly in front of Hunter. Not in the mood to play games, he reached over and hauled Mr. Puss away from Hunter. He tossed the cat on to the floor before looking back at his roommate, who was shooting him a look of annoyance only rivaled by Mr. Puss himself. Luckily for him, Sebastian didn’t care if he was pissed off. “You made me a promise that you’d start eating properly, and I promised I wouldn’t go to the nurse. You break your promise, I’ll break mine.” It wasn’t like Sebastian wanted to scare Hunter; on the contrary, he hated seeing how frantic he normally became at the threat

It didn’t look like the threat bothered him much, though. If anything, he just looked annoyed. He narrowed his eyes and straightened his spine, signaling to Sebastian that he wasn’t going to back down. “I have eaten every meal you’ve made me for the past month. And I’ll say it again, I did eat. I just didn’t finish. You clearly didn’t either, so how about getting off my case about bailing on one goddamn meal?”

Sebastian scoffed and crossed his arms, mimicking Hunter’s determination. “Because if I let you get away with missing one meal, especially because of some idiotic comment, then that’s only giving you permission to try and miss others.

Hunter’s eyes narrowed. “You heard Nick, don’t act like you didn’t. Sorry if I’m not in the mood to sit there and have someone insult me.”

Sebastian could only look at Hunter incredulously. Did he seriously think Nick had tried to offend him? “Nick said you looked healthier, and you know what? He’s right. And that’s not a bad thing, Hunt. You shouldn’t look sick, he meant it as a compliment. “

“It wasn’t a compliment, I don’t fucking care how he said he meant it.” Sebastian had to take a step back at Hunter’s tone. It was thick with anger, but Sebastian was used to that. That wasn’t what put him on edge. It was the way Hunter’s breathing was beginning to grow uneven. It was the frantic look in Hunter’s eyes.

He had seen Hunter get like this before. The first day he’d come back after his stay in the hospital and told Sebastian the truth. Whenever he was getting too panicked over an upcoming test and his mind conceived the worst possible outcome. The way he had acted the first couple of weeks after Sebastian started monitoring him at meals. He was on the verge of an anxiety attack, and Sebastian hoped to God it wouldn’t get to that point.

“He didn’t mean to offend you. This is what we wanted, remember? For you to be better. Healthy is better, Hunt.”

“No, you don’t get it! He didn’t mean healthy like good, he meant it as fat and pathetic and—-” He cut himself off by running a hand through his hair, eyes tightly shut as he took deep, steady breaths. The last thing he needed was to work himself up into another panic attack. Mr. Puss placed his paws on Hunter’s stomach and looked at him curiously. Hunter pushed him off long enough to sit up, still trying to keep himself calm. 

Seeing Hunter’s obvious distress, Sebastian couldn’t help but feel like the biggest jackass on the planet. Moments like this had happened before- they had become less frequent as Hunter’s eating habits improved, and until today, Sebastian had thought they were all gone. Moments when the anxiety Hunter tried so hard to hide would come bubbling to the surface. Moments when Sebastian felt he might actually have to make good on his threat and ask someone for help. Moments when Hunter just looked so small and vulnerable and broken that Sebastian thought he would shatter from the smallest touch. This wasn’t Hunter, not the Hunter he had met at the beginning of the school year. No, this was the guy who’d somehow become his best friend and his biggest worry

Hunter sat on his bed with his head buried in his hands and taking deep breaths. His heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest. If he wasn’t so goddamn stubborn, he’d have let himself cry by now. As it was, he flinched violently and looked up when he felt a hand on his back. Sebastian didn’t say anything, just rubbed calming circles and made quiet hushing noises. There had been one too many panic attacks on Hunter’s part for Sebastian to feel uncomfortable with them anymore.

Sebastian waited until Hunter’s breathing was under control to speak up. “Hunter, no one thinks you’re fat, and none of us think you’re pathetic. I don’t think you could be either of those things if you tried.”

Hunter snorted- actually snorted- before slowly straightening himself up and taking another deep breath. “That’s a matter of opinion, Smythe.”

“Probably, but we all know my opinion is the only one that matters.” Sebastian said with a smug smile. Hunter rolled his eyes at him, then leaned his head back to control his breathing. Hr frowned at his roommate and sighed. “Really though, Hunt, you’ve been doing so well. Nick’s comment was stupid, but he meant it as a good thing. And when the guy’s laughed at you, they didn’t mean to make it seem like they were taunting you or something. You… “ Sebastian hesitated, afraid that the slightest bit of misphrasing could set Hunter off again. “You’ve been doing really well. He’s just glad you don’t look sick anymore. We all are.”

“I know. I get that much, Sebastian, I seriously do.” Hunter grumbled, and then nodded as if to help assure himself of fact. “And it’s…. I don’t know, endearing that you guys are glad that I’m doing better, even those guys who don’t know the whole story in the first place. But just because I know it’s true doesn’t mean it… registers in my head.” He ran his hand across his face while groaning.

“I’m not…” Sebastian bit his lip, once again unsure of how to word this.  “Why the hell would you think he was calling you pathetic?” He finally spat out, face twisted into pure confusion. Seriously, that was the last word he would ever attribute to Hunter, yet he’d gone and just assumed that’s what Nick had meant. He looked at Hunter out of curiosity, once again seeing a look of defeat pass across his features.

He inched away from Sebastian to create a bit more space between them. With a shake of his head, he clicked his tongue to call Mr. Puss up onto the bed. Once the white furball was there, Hunter moved him into his lap and started petting him without looking at Sebastian.“Back when… everything started, when my parents first found out, my dad was pissed. I mean it, he was beyond mad. And my mother doesn’t know the meaning of free will, so she agreed with everything he yelled out.” He shrugged his shoulders and Sebastian moved over to give him a bit more breathing room. He took another deep breath, this time much more even. “He was mad because he couldn’t believe his kid- his youngest son- would do something so completely pathetic.”

Hunter let out something between a scoff and a sneer at the memory. He glanced up at Sebastian and saw that his friend was clinging on to his every word, brow furrowed in thought. He swallowed the lump in his throat before continuing. “And every time I ended up back in the hospital, or almost passing out in school, he’d just get more and more pissed. A few months ago, when I… relapsed, or whatever you want to call it, he didn’t even talk to me for weeks. I got one text from my brother asking when I’d be out, but that was it. No calls from home, no worried parents doting over me. Just being lectured and force-fed by doctors only to come home and fess up to you. My mom’s convinced herself that he’s never wrong, so she’s right next to him, having no trouble calling her kid a pathetic disappointment.

“My parents used to yell at me. Y’know, my dad’s got this thing about how I’m supposed to follow in his footsteps and join the marines, so he’s always pushed me to be my best. And it’s not like I have a problem with it, I _should_ be my best. Then when he shipped me off to military school, I had all these instructors telling me I had to push harder and beat my own records to get where I needed to be. They’d tell me I had to slim down some if I wanted to be the best. They’d say I was too fat and pathetic, I’d never be what I wanted. It wasn’t even what I wanted, it’s what my dad wanted. And you know, the fucked up thing about it was I was never any bigger than the rest of the cadets. But everyone kept saying I was, so I decided to eat as little as possible and work my ass off until I was good enough. Because I wasn’t, not even close.”

By now, he barely even remembered that Sebastian was in the room. He was just talking for the sake of talking, something he’d never quite been allowed to do before. He wasn’t supposed to talk about this, he was supposed to sit back and pretend it didn’t exist. This was the first time he’d ever been asked by someone who didn’t get paid to listen to his problems.

“And I liked it.” He admitted with a smile even he felt sickened by. “I liked having such defined control of what went into my body and I liked feeling like I was doing something right for once, even if that thing involved hurting myself from the inside out. But the longer I went with it, the fatter I saw myself as. It was bad, I’ll admit that now. We were doing PT one morning and I hadn’t eaten anything in a few days. Two minutes into our run, I was lying on the pavement feeling like my heart was about to beat out of my chest. I could barely move, it was terrifying I woke up in the hospital with a needle in my arm and a therapist ready on standby.” He could recall that day better than any other moment in his life. He shivered slightly at the reminder and looked up to lock eyes with Sebastian.

“As soon as I got home, my dad lost it. He couldn’t believe his youngest son had done something as pathetic as starve himself. He fucking slapped me and said I’d better stop acting like such a girl or he’d give me a reason to be in the hospital.” His tone wasn’t detached anymore. It was pure anger.” And my mom told me to grow up and get over myself, and that hurt more than anything my dad could have ever said. The only person who really seemed to give a damn was my brother, and even he got tired of it all eventually. It’s just… I don’t know, frustrating that they’re not on my side.” He shook his head, trying not to feel so completely pathetic because of what he was saying.

During the entire time Hunter was talking, Sebastian could only frown. Hunter had never spoken so openly about his problems, the best Sebastian could usually get were two or three sentences of explanation following his own interrogations. Though he knew it might not be the greatest idea, he reached out and put a hand on Hunter’s shoulder. “It’s fucked up that they’re not, and I’m sincerely sorry about that.” Hunter nodded in understanding, and didn’t make a move to shake Sebastian’s hand off. He took that as a good sign and continued. “But it’s not like you have to try and deal with all this on your own. You’ve got me and the rest of the Warbler’s. I get that it’s not the same as having your flesh and blood family, but it’s something at least. None of us want you to end up like that. Hell, I’ve got the sudden urge to walk to Colorado and punch your dad in the face for acting like such an ass.” The comment seemed to do the trick, because Hunter’s laugh was enough to make Sebastian smile. “But you have to realize that just because they told you one thing doesn’t make it true. At this point, I’m pretty sure any weight you have is pure muscle, and even that’ll start to go if you fall back into old habits.”

“I know that. Like logically, I know that. And it helps to think like that, but at the same time, I don’t always believe it. I don’t…” He paused to sigh and run a hand through his hair. “People always act so weird when they find out about it. Not… the eating thing, because you’re only the third or fourth person I’ve told myself, but if I let it out that I might actually have body issues or esteem issues or shit like that, they start acting differently. Like it’s not allowed, so I’ve at least learned not to let onto it too much. But still, that doesn’t… change the fact that they’re there.” He held his hands up in defeat, and Mr. Puss batted his head against them. Hunter gave a slight smile and pet him. “It probably sounds stupid, but it’s not like I can just pretend nothing’s wrong with me.”

“No one expects you to. Let’s be real, no one likes themselves 100%. I can tell you right now, freckles may be cute to some people, but they are just a huge pain in the ass to actually have.” He attempted to lighten the atmosphere, but the stoic expression on Hunter’ face only made him frown. He sat back on the bed, letting the room dissolve into silence for a few moments. When he spoke again, there was nothing in his voice but pure curiosity. “You… you seriously don’t like yourself all that much, do you, Hunt?”

“That might be the understatement of the century.” Hunter laughed. Then, his expression hardened and his eyes narrowed.”What, is that seriously hard to believe?” He asked almost defensively.

“No, I just don’t get it.” Sebastian quickly said, suddenly feeling like Nick when he’d tried to defend himself to Hunter at breakfast. “Like, how the hell could anyone find flaws with  _you?_ I mean, you are gorgeous and intelligent and clever and I don’t fucking think it should be legal for one person to be so perfect.”

Hunter just looked at him, rolling his eyes and scoffing in disbelief. He didn’t comment, once again turning all his attention onto Mr. Puss, who had curled up and was now purring loudly in his lap. He cast his eyes up momentarily, only to see Sebastian still looking at him incredulously. Hunter shrugged. “I’m not, Smythe.” He said simply.

“But the thing is that you are! I mean,” Sebastian brought one leg up to lie on the bed as he It wasn’t that he wanted to tell Hunter these things to help him, he needed Hunter to realize just how perfect he was. He felt like a child on Christmas morning, eager to show his parents his brand new toy and tell them why it was his new favorite thing.  “Honestly, the only flaw I can think of is this whole eating thing, and that’s not even your fault. I wouldn’t have even known about it if you hadn’t told me. Hell, I still think your perfect even with knowing about it. You’re amazing, and hot, and flawless. And the sooner you get that through your thick head instead out trying to fix some non-existent flaw, the sooner you can kick this eating issue in the ass. “

Hunter seemed to be hooked on every word that Sebastian was saying, and it was clear he was having trouble believing it. Sebastian wanted more than anything for him to believe it. Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair and twisted his body around to look at his roommate with a blank expression. “Alright, fine. I get that I’m sounding like some infatuated teenage girl, but I actually mean what I’m saying. It’s just… I want you to be okay, Hunt. But I also want you to  _want_  to be okay. Does that make sense?” Sebastian asked.

“Yeah, it makes sense.” Hunter mumbled under his breath. He finally stopped petting Mr. Puss, who seemed to have fallen asleep in his lap, and then let his own eyes slide shut. “I’m okay. I promise, it’s just… it takes time. And with what Nick said earlier, I don’t… I over-reacted. I know that. And I’m going to apologize to him later.” He opened his eyes “I want to be alright. So I will be.” His jaw was set as he spoke, and the amount of determination in his words made Sebastian. There’s the Hunter he knew and (begrudgingly) had come to love.

“Good. We’re not about to let you leave us, Clarington. You’re stuck with us. Can’t have anything happening to your dumb ass, now can we?” Sebastian offered him a grin, which Hunter willingly returned.“Still think you’ll be skipping class today?”

“I sort of already bailed, so not much point in going.” Hunter said. He looked over at the alarm clock on his nightstand, unwilling to move too far and risk waking up his cat, and then shot a glare at Sebastian. “You do know the repercussions of  being tardy to class without an excuse, don’t you, Smythe? Get your ass to class.”

Sebastian laughed, but threw his arms up in self-defense. “Whatever you say, Captain.” He pushed himself up off of the bed and went to pick his bookbag up once again. He put it over his shoulder and turned back to Hunter, who was still watching him while Sebastian made his way over to the door. “You’re coming down for lunch, right? I mean, you did sort of bail at breakfast, and we both agreed that’s a no-no, Hunty.”

He wagged his finger, and was grateful that Hunter didn’t want to move and risk waking his cat. Otherwise, Sebastian was sure he’d have had something thrown at him by now. Instead, Hunter rolled his eyes. “If I manage to wake this thing up from his little cat nap without losing an eye, I’m there.”

“I’m holding you to that one.”


End file.
